SEATTLE, WA – Bill Gates recently observed that his divorce was “the mistake I most regret.” In an interview with the Sunday Times, Gates discussed various aspects of his life, including his childhood, building a leading tech company, his views on other notable figures, and his marriage and divorce with Melinda Gates.
Gates is widely believed to be one of the few billionaires with a relatively normal family life. Married for 27 years, he and his wife raised three children, seeking to inculcate the strong morals he said his parents and grandmother had instilled in him, “fairness, justice, and integrity.”
When asked if he wanted to emulate his parents' successful 45-year marriage and their parenting approach, he said yes, “Absolutely. I encouraged Melinda to be a little calmer than my mother was, but we were both quite driven. I spent more time with the kids than my dad did, but the ratio was still 10:1, with Melinda doing most things for the kids. We had a great time.”
Melinda, Gates admitted, kept his life balanced amidst his immense success, “[It was] my marriage to Melinda that kept me grounded.” While raising children, Melinda supported his career while also ensuring that Gates did not lose focus on his family amidst the intense workload that leading Microsoft entailed, “There is a certain wonderfulness to spending your entire adult life with one person because of the memories and depth of things you have done and having kids together. When Melinda and I met, I was fairly successful but not ridiculously successful—that came during the time that we were together. So, she saw me through a lot.”
Gates was asked if his divorce was the only failure of his life. His poignant reply? “You would have to put that at the top of the list. There are others, but none that matter.”
Four years later, gossip sites and magazines still spread rumors about their separation. However, amid the rumors, there are clear indications not based on mere speculation that have long pointed to an unhappy marriage. For example, Gates has a history of questionable behavior around women in the office. Gates has repeatedly made advances toward female employees who have worked for him at Microsoft and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Melinda has even complained in past years about sexual harassment allegations against high-level workers employed by Gates.
Ultimately, Melinda, who initiated the divorce, cited Gates’ connection with Jeffrey Epstein as a key reason for their separation. Epstein reportedly met with Gates several times to seek funding for a multibillion-dollar charitable fund he aimed to establish with JPMorgan Chase. Reports suggest that during these interactions, Epstein threatened to expose a past affair involving Gates.
Unfortunately, in a modern world of soaring divorce rates, the end of their 27-year marriage—despite being two of the most successful people in history—is sadly unsurprising. Statisticians have found that in the United States, first marriages end in divorce 41% of the time. Further marriages only increase the likelihood of divorce.
The divorce epidemic affects the rich—like the Gates family—as well as the poor. Its impact on families is well documented. Spouses usually endure years of emotional pain and financial stress. Children, shuffled between parents while denied the stability of a committed couple, are often left to grapple with immense feelings of abandonment and misplaced guilt.
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In light of these statistics, it’s no wonder young people today are afraid of marriage. If past generations took marriage too lightly, many today avoid it altogether. They fear committing their lives to someone in a world where commitment seems meaningless. Society feels the effects of a falling marriage rate.
And yet the deep longing that only a good marriage satisfies, namely a genuine companionship that brings the joy of children, still remains. They fulfill these desires in ways totally unfulfilling. They sleep with people they claim to love but won’t commit to. They adopt pets to fill the emptiness of a home that should be brimming with the warmth of children. They replace companionship with the immediate social gratification they find in their smartphone. They bury themselves in their work, chasing a “fulfilling” career, education, or just a good time, all while ignoring their biological and spiritual needs. By the time they realize their mistake, they have wasted years, even decades, forfeiting the beautiful life they craved but so persistently ignored.
But marriage is the foundation of civilization. Against those who would say that the individual is the smallest unit of society, history shows that the marital relationship is the cornerstone on which a culture rests. If the family suffers, society suffers. If the family succeeds, society succeeds. Society should be primarily concerned with seeking the success of the family.
How does someone avoid being another statistic? Simple. If the broader culture treats marriage flippantly, the couple aspiring to keep their vows should not emulate their marriages. Instead, they should do those things that define a successful marriage. Finding a spouse in a subculture where commitment still matters, like in a church, can be pivotal. Understanding the vows and finding a spouse who also values theirs is also essential. Studies have found that living or sleeping together before marriage sharply increases the rate of divorce. They should attend church and pray together. Men ought to love their wives even when they seem unlovable. Women ought to submit to their husbands even when they seem dishonorable.
St. John Chrysostom arguably offers the most robust marital theology among the Church Fathers. In an era when celibacy (a deeply honorable life) was often emphasized, Chrysostom’s teachings remind us of the early Church's high regard for marriage. His words underscore how essential the lifelong bond between man and woman is for the flourishing of both the Church and society.
From the beginning God in His providence has planned this union of man and woman, and has spoken of the two as one: “male and female He created them” and “there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” There is no relationship between human beings so close as that of husband and wife, if they are united as they ought to be.
Can you see now how close this union is, and how God providentially created it from a single nature? He permitted Adam to marry Eve, who was more than sister or daughter; she was his own flesh! God caused the entire human race to proceed from this one point of origin. He did not, on the one hand, fashion woman independently from man; otherwise man would think of her as essentially different from himself. Nor did He enable woman to bear children without man; if this were the case she would be self-sufficient. Instead, just as the branches of a tree proceed from a single trunk, He made the one man Adam to be the origin of all mankind, both male and female, and made it impossible for men and women to be self-sufficient.
The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together. Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love. St Paul would not speak so earnestly about this subject without serious reason; why else would he say, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord”? Because when harmony prevails, the children are raised well, the household is kept in order, and neighbors, friends and relatives praise the result. Great benefits, both for families and states, are thus produced.1
Love and harmony are the twin parts in the duet of a good marriage. The husband sings the melody. This melody is the love he shows for his family. It is his performance of strength as an act of love on behalf of his wife and children. The wife’s part is to harmonize with her husband’s loving melody. She performs this beautiful harmony for the family through her submission to her husband. The husband is responsible for providing a loving home. The wife is responsible for providing a harmonious home.
These twin parts, love and harmony, are the commitments that spouses have historically promised in their wedding vows, at least in the English tradition. The husband answers in the affirmative, “Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?” The wife answers in the affirmative, “Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?” They both then say their vows,
I take thee to my wedded husband [or wife], to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish [wife also says, “and to obey”], till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance, and thereto I give thee my troth [loyalty].2
St John Chrysostom, On Marriage & Family Life, ed. John Behr, trans. Catherine P. Roth and David Anderson, vol. 7, Popular Patristics Series (Crestwood, NY: St Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1986), 43-44.
Samuel L. Bray and Drew Nathaniel Keane, eds., The Book of Common Prayer and Administration of the Sacraments and Other Rites and Ceremonies of the Church, International Edition (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic: An Imprint of InterVarsity Press, 2021), 315.
Well written…a powerful reminder of God’s grace and plan for His creation exacting His love in our families…. I’m sure we all do indeed hate even the thought of divorce…..loved a man creates a loving home while a wife creates a harmonious home…thank you